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Letter to 13 year old me

July 9, 2010

Dear Matrix,

I know you just hit teenage and some real things are about to start happening in your life. From your homescience class I’m sure you are expecting very broad muscular chest and shoulders by 17, and hairs that sweep the ground before you pass on it. Little fela, it’s a myth. The only real thing that will probably happen is that at some point you start getting these dump dreams with a high likelihood of embarrassing yourself if they come when you are in class, in high school. Speaking of high school, well, you are about to head into a school of mystery, with lots of bad manners to learn. Be a man, and learn to get a grip on your hand. Girls like grips.

Now, Ms Kamau, that Swahili teacher for the other stream that you keep staring indirectly on a mathematical set reflection? Just keep off. In 3 years time she will be dead of AIDS. And sadly, she will take down with her your favorite teacher, Micheni. Sucks huh? Before you start crying, you little creep, realize that this is only the beginning of many questions you will want life to answer you, and it will just stare back at you blankly in response. Man up and face it bravely.

You see that tom-boy seated behind you, that Mercy woman you love to hate? Be very close to her. She is about to blossom into the most unbelievably beautiful thing you ever saw. Ignore her Meru accent, she will outgrow it. In fact, she will sound better than your sorry ass. C’mon, walk up to her now and tell her you like her. Go on. Oh, wait, it’s class time now. But do later.

And then there’s Hannah. That girl you’ve been competing with since 5. I know nothing is better than beating her, but find it in you to let her beat you in CPE. Because if you don’t, later on when you are grown up, she will find you. And she will be out to break up anything and anyone you have a commitment with.

Now that you are in class 8, you will soon realize that being the candidate you are means little, really, because when you get to high school no one gives a crap, I mean, cares what you got in CPE. But then again, you perform poorly and you know mum, I will probably be writing again to you next year…as a candidate again. Utarudia.

And lastly, nihil praeter optimum – a statement you need to know. You’ll use it for the rest of your life. Oh, and somewhere at the back of your head keep those Sunday School lessons coming. They come in handy.

Me

Tagged: Chiira, Wamathai and Jolie Barbra

11 comments

  1. Hahaha I like this, quite hilarious. The tom-boy girl, I hope she’s reading this wherever she is.


  2. LOL!!!i like the Mercy regret!!!


  3. first one here, yee!


  4. Tomboy blossomed?:) So what happened with you and her?


  5. oops sorry, 2nd no 3rd. Its amazin how people metamorphed.


  6. Super post!


  7. Pink does inspire from her music after-all! Nicely done. I do wonder what I’d tell myself…


  8. Ati hair sweeping the ground?? and you claim sanity..:)


  9. great post. so you did CPE??


  10. Hahaha!! Aki nimecheka!

    LOL! Ata me….that tom-boyish gal shd be nearby LOL!


  11. @Mutuku not exactly. Just tried to economize on letters. @mrsmwiti thanks. @five, I stand by that story. @joliea yeah, but that’s a story for another day.



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