The ABC to dealing with traffic police

May 13, 2011

We all love to hate on traffic police. We have one way or another experienced their foul breath. Be you be sleeping in a Matatu then you find yourself at a police yard because one guy had his seat belt unfastened, to when you get arrested trying to fix a flat in a city council parking to the annoying habit of attempting to role play traffic lights with a cap to simply their stinky vybe. They are clearly here to stay, so we might as well attempt to learn to kick their buns live with it.

Take the case of Jack Zorro. This man, a hardworking Kenyan male, gets to be torn away from his place of work by his significant someone. It’s his birthday. ‘Baby, we have not spent some time by ourselves for a long time. Let’s have a getaway.’ Where? Mpango Naivasha. The madam, to sooth Zorro’s ego even hires a brand new machinery (well, in actual sense, she fears Zorro’s mobile might drop the fuel tank somewhere before reaching Kinoo). And they are off.

Smooth ride. Cool breeze. Birthday cake. Piuriful woman abreast. Zorro is your unusual winner at this moment in time. And it translates in the way he is tapping the gas. Steps on gas a little. She touches his leg. This translates to a sudden jerky movement of leg in a downward motion and car moves even faster. He does not realize he is now moving at 130kph. Round a corner in Naivasha, Karanja-in-blue suddenly appears. And beckons to Zorro to stop the new machine. Jack pulls over.

Karanja-in-blue: My friend, you are overspeeding by 30kph. The max speed allowed is 100.

Zorro: How &@#$ did this a#@ know at what speed I was moving at  Jambo mkubwa.

K-I-B: jenga taifa. Hebu toka kwanza

Zorro: Sawa afande

K-I-B: Ebu geti chini ga umesimama Uko na hatia.

Jack knows this is a Zorro moment. This is where the ABC comes in

A – Amani

Zorro acts very calm. In fact he pulls one of those, ‘Afande hii kazi yenu kwa hii jua yenyewe ni ngumu sana. Ninawapa heshima sana.’ The police officer is having none of that. Zorro remains calm, nodding his head in understanding. ‘Mkubwa, sawa basi. I’m sure kuna vile tunaeza kuelewana. Niambie niskie.’ Opens room for peaceful mediation. K-I-B is now a little excited and abandons his Kaleo accent.

Bottomline: more often than not you are likely to be inclined to tell off a traffic cop who stops. My little experience dictates with is trouble incarnation. Peacefulness with cops works wonders. Let the cop talk all he wants. If you are a man, listen attentively. At least pretend to understand where he is coming from. For ladies, oh well, just cross a leg smile. Or put up this face…

B – Besha Bail

K-I-B flexes his frail muscles to show who’s boss. ‘Uko na hatia. Leta bail ya 3,000.00 halafu uje kwa court on Monday’. Jack thinks: hell no. He asks, ‘Afande hatuwezi fanya njia ingine?’ ‘Sasa uko na ngapi?’ Zorro, ‘Afande niko na wan zauzand (one thousand).’ K-I-B: ‘Hiyo sawa. Letta’ Zorro: Lakini afande kuna option?

K-I-B: Ulipe bail ya 3000 halafu uje kortini Monday saa tatu na dakika nane O’clock. Ana ulete hiyo ngiri. Shaguo ni rako.

Zorro, keeping the insolence of this cop in mind, actually considers that option. He knows he has the 3K with him and will not let this cop intimidate him.

Bottomline: I don’t believe in giving cops bribes, even if you are on the wrong. It could be a nice idea to be carrying enough money for bail just in case you find yourself in need of it.

C – Clandenistus Comradius Company

Zorro goes on, ‘Afande, kusema ukweli, hiyo one zauzand ndio pesa niko nayo tu’.

He then goes ahead to narrate how he is a college student (thank goodness he’d cut his usual stunted spiky facial growth that morning) and how his elder brother (who is a big-time lawyer) asked him to take his car to him in Naivasha and how in a bid to act village hero had brought along his neighbor’s

daughter along and he has just that 1K to entertain her for the night and for transportation back the day after.

Then he pulls the classic liner: Ukitaka nikupatie hii doo nitakupa lakini ka ingekuwa wee ungefanyaje? Naomba uniwachie tu niende. Na Mungu atakuonekania.

K-I-B considers, and lets the fela leave amidst a flurry of moral gibberish how the neighbor’s cassava can turn poisonous when eaten without the neighbor’s permission.

Bottomline: A female companion on a trip with you, especially a sober and well behaved one, will almost always get you out of trouble with cops.

Go ahead then, get boarding. Wave at a cop. And drive safely.



  1. Lol I once experienced something close to this at Naivasha. Had to part with money.

    Very interesting!

  2. this is eireely reminiscent of a naks trip back in 2008. spot on chap, spot on.

    • Thanks Mich. The memories linger on.

  3. LOL

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