Ladies, here’s the man manual

Yesterday, I came across this really exotic article on the Crazy Monday on the standard. A female writer wants a man manual; she laments that Kenyan men just have no clue how to relate with women and as such feels a manual on how to deal with them is of paramount urgency.

In a nutshell, these are the issues that she raised. Men…

1. Don’t listen, never pay attention even when looking at you.
2. Have commitment phobia
3. Are clueless toward the needs of a woman; they never listen
4. Need to lose the boys club
5. Are lazy, the come home from work to sit and laze around
6. Are too addicted to sports (watched and played, I guess)

Here is the manual. I will try to respond to these issues, as a man, as candidly as I can.

1. One good Jane indicated that while men have a daily dosage of 3000 words, women have up to 10000 words. This means that at any given day, your average woman will talk thrice as much as her man, and be left with loose change to throw over to the neighbors. This same concept applies to listening. We can only take in 3000 words. Anything after that is blah-blah. Try to summarize, you should be fine.

2. I will be short on this. Try to get your man to the altar as fast as you can or bring babies in every sentence you utter and automatic reverse gear sets in. We do not fear to commit. Only at the right time do we do it. Until then, don’t push it.

3. Clueless? Well, tell you what. If you have a man in your house, try the other thing other than hints. They just don’t work. Do not expect to read something in your every eyeball movement or lifted finger. Just come straight, and we shall bring the milk home and on time.

4. The boys are very important. One, we have the same daily word count. Two, we mostly like to have a cold one. Three, when you kick us out of our own house, to whom do you expect us to go? So, uh-uh, they are not going anywhere, as long as bounds are laid bare.

5. Lazy…listen. When a winner wins, he takes time to enjoy and rest. When a breadwinner wins the daily bread, please let him enjoy it. Oh, plus some tea and remote control. Thank you.

6. We are not addicted to sports, just the right balance. Wait a min, aren’t you the ones complaining about our bulging food bags and sagging triceps. Formula One is a good motivator, soccer even better. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a step, and the journey to fitness begins with watching fit players. And it is all for you, mark you.

Any more questions?

Why I’m an angry Kenyan

I’m not one for news nowadays, especially after I discovered Nairobi can treat you to a lovely walk in the dark in the evenings after all the folks have dashed home after a hard days work.

But this morning I wake up to the news that Kenyan Parliamentarians are planning to increase their salaries, despite earning a whopping 851K (about $11400 – Isn’t this illegal?) a month as at now.

A special tribunal (crap, don’t we have too many of these in Kenya already) was set up to look into the matter after the public went on a rage about a former attempt for MPs to increase their packs, not to mention avoiding getting these taxed at all cost.

The Akiwumi tribunal (an interesting name, don’t you agree?) was setup to see how these humongous salaries could either be trimmed, used to serve the public more, or get taxed. So, they also got fat pays and were commissioned to work.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you their findings, after many months of hard work. The Akiwumi fellows seem to feel MPs do not actually earn enough. Thus there’s need to increase their salaries by 5% every year. This is in addition to incrementing the sitting allowance from 5K to 15K (don’t I wish my employer could pay me for every day I report to work), Medical allowance from 80 to 130K, Vehicle Allowance (notice, not insurance) from 65 to 130K, Sleeping allowance unknown amount. Oh, did I mention that none of these monies are taxable?

Now now, makes me really wonder why this Akiwumi thing was put in place in the first place. I could have done a better job myself at a much less remuneration. But then again, this is Kenya. The excuse for the proposed increments are the rising cost of living. Seems like MPs are the only Kenyans.

Now, out of all the govt employees, is there anyone who gets such a raise on their meager wages annually? Are we still not having running battles between teachers/lecturers/nurses against the govt over pay? Do we not have poor Kenyans experiencing the high cost of living too? What on earth is wrong with our leaders? To make it worse, they are not taxed. In my first job, when I reached a certain level of promotion, my net salary suddenly reduced because the state felt I was earning enough already to give third of the spoils to it. These guys are paying not a dime to the state coffers. Damn.

Listen solemnly fellows (MPs), if you pass this proposal, you may be calling condemnation onto yourselves. It has happened before where the unscrupulous rich have been hacked to death by the oppressed paupers. I shall not be quoted, but be very careful. You may be calling rage upon yourselves.

On a totally different note, what is KWS doing? The rates of poaching have significantly risen and they sit and watch. You being part of the security forces, if you cannot protect 15K animals, how in the bloody hell do we expect you forces to protect the lives of 40 Million Kenyans? Please act up!

Sometimes it is so annoying being a Kenyan! Urrgh!

No malice

My friend’s neighbor’s kids really miss me for some reason. My friend is female. The kids have strange questions for her. And they only know how to ask loudly.

I think I’m in trouble now.